What is Anxiety? My everyday Struggle

I have been wanting to write this post for a really long time now but it’s been really hard for me to put into words all that I am feeling and all that I want to say. I really hope by opening up about this that my words can inspire others and be of some comfort!

What Is anxiety?! 

 The dictionary’s definition is “A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one's daily activities”

There are different kinds of anxiety such as, panic attacks, phobia’s, social anxiety. Anxiety is something I think we all feel at least once in our lives it’s a normal emotion. Some examples are when we are speaking in public maybe when we speak in church. We get really nervous and wonder if we have written the right talk or if we are going to talk too slow or too fast or even if we are going to mess it all up. Most people who have one worry and fear can manage those feelings and get back to a fulfilling life.

An anxiety disorder is a little bit more complex. They can cause such distress that it interferes with your ability to lead a normal life. This is excessive, unrealistic worry, even if there’s little or nothing to provoke the anxiety.  Here are some symptoms of anxiety

·        Feeling panic, fear and uneasiness

·        Trouble sleeping

·        Cold or sweaty hands or feet

·        Shortness of breath

·        Fast beating heart

·        Not being able to sit still

·        Dry mouth

·        Numbness or tingling in the hands or feet

·        Nauseas

·        Muscle tension

·        Dizziness

There are a lot of different causes of anxiety. It can be a mix of things including your genes, changes in your brain, and the things you experience in life. Anxiety run’s really high in my family. I have a lot of family members who struggle with anxiety.

Anxiety disorders are the MOST COMMON MENTAL ILLNESS IN THE U.S!!!! Anxiety is also the number 1 treated illness! There are a lot of different ways to get help. Medication, and seeing a therapist are the most common ways to overcome an anxiety disorder.  I really feel like anxiety gets shoved under the rug and no one wants to talk about. I have felt so judged when people find out about my anxiety. I feel like people just think it’s all in my head and that I’m crazy and to those people who judge someone with anxiety. Shame on you! Anxiety is a real thing. I have a really great person in my life who told me this once “You won’t tell someone whit diabetes to not take insulin so why would someone with a mental problem not take medication” Medication can really help balance your brain out to help with your anxiety. I have been one of those people. It has been really hard for me to admit that I had a problem. I always knew that I had anxiety ever since I was in Jr High school. It never really affected me that bad till later in life though. It can be really scary to tell people that something is going on but yet people feel like it’s not a problem at all but you know and feel like its major. I really wish people could understand how serious anxiety is. People may tell you all the time that your crazy and it’s all in your head. Let me just tell you right now that YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!! YOU ARE NEVER ALONE! Here is an awesome quote that really helps me when I’m feeling alone “Never assume that you can make it alone. You need the help of the lord. Never hesitate to get on your knees in some private place and speak with him- Gordon B. Hinckley”

I want to tell you a little bit about my story and struggle with anxiety. I have struggled with it for a really long time. And for a really long time I felt so alone in this. I felt like my own Husband had no idea who I was or how I was feeling. Honestly I felt like he thought I was crazy. He didn’t understand me at all. And that hurt so bad. I was always so anxious about EVERYTHING. I could not calm down to save my life. I was on edge and just couldn’t think right. I wasn’t the mother and wife and daughter or friend that I really needed to be. I tried all different kinds of medication and nothing seemed to work like I needed it too. It was hard to find the right balance.  Back in December of 2015 I had a miscarriage. We have been trying to have a baby for a little over 2 years so this was totally devastating to me! I was even afraid to tell Brock about it.  It really took me threw a roller coaster ride. With the pain and all the emotions. It was one of the hardest times in my life and I felt like some of the closest people to me really didn’t show that they cared or knew what to say to me.  I felt like they thought it was a joke. I felt like people didn't believe me and that hurt so bad. This was really hard in itself but to add anxiety on top of it made it so much worse. It was really hard for me to be able to move forward and try to get my life back. I finally took the leap of faith and decided since I have tried medication and that didn’t help the way I needed it too that I needed to see a therapist. It has been the BIGGEST blessing in my life. It helped me control my anxiety and be able to train my thinking to help me in tough situations. My Husband has been my greatest strength. He stuck by my side and sat through therapy with me and helped me become myself again. Our loving Savior has been there helping me and guiding me through this all. He has been there reminding me what my worth is and how great of a daughter of god that I am. I am so grateful for our loving Heavenly Father for helping me through this struggle! i always went back to this picture when times got and still get really hard. He truly knows our struggles and is there to hold us through it all! 

I’m able to be way more balanced and way more calm when I need to be. I still have anxiety attacks and still really struggle with it. It is something I will always struggle with.  I am honestly so grateful for this trial. It’s really hard for me to say that but I really am. It has helped me become the person I am today. I am stronger, I am wiser, I trust more. I open up about things that before would scare me. I am grateful because I feel like I can help others with this trail as well. I want to be a strength to others.

I have some really close family and friends who struggle with this and it’s so hard to see people you love struggle so much. I have read a really great talk that has really helped me and opened my eyes to this struggle. These quotes are from Elder Holland’s talk Like a Broken Vessel-

If you are the one afflicted or a caregiver to such, try not to be overwhelmed with the size of your task. Don’t assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can. If those are only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient. Dozens of times in the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to “stand still” or “be still”—and wait. 6 Patiently enduring some things is part of our mortal education.

For caregivers, in your devoted effort to assist with another’s health, do not destroy your own. In all these things be wise. Do not run faster than you have strength. 7 Whatever else you may or may not be able to provide, you can offer your prayers and you can give “love unfeigned.” 8 “Charity suffered long, and is kind; … [it] beareth all things, … hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth.” 9

Also let us remember that through any illness or difficult challenge, there is still much in life to be hopeful about and grateful for. We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions!

I know without a shadow of a doubt that Anxiety can be treated! I want everyone who reads this to know that you are never alone! There is hope out there for everyone. I know our loving heavenly father is there to guide us through our most difficult challenges in life. I LOVE all of you and hope this has helped shine some light on anxiety and have been of some comfort to those who need it! I hope you all share this with friends and family who may need a little help! 

The Beginning of Aiden's NICU Story!

It's been a long time since I have wrote on my blog so i've deiced to start a new blog! I have been really feeling like sharing my story about our whole NICU experience with Aiden. I have had a lot of people ask about it and ask how i was able to go through that trial in my life.  So i'm going to start from the very beginning of it all! This won't be the only post. It will be in a couple posts! 
I was sick for the first couple months of being pregnant. Once I moved back up to Utah I seemed to have gotten so much better. I had so much energy and ate really well. I finally felt like myself again. A lot of that could be I was in my home town and I wasn't depressed anymore. When we lived in Arizona it was really hard for me to adjust. It was a small town and i didn't know many people. It was hard to adjust to a small town life and being so far away from my family. I never lived that far from my family before and it was a huge struggle of mine. So that could have been a big reason why i felt so much better once i came back to Utah.
We finally were able to move into our Apartment the end of March.It was so nice to be able to start putting Aiden's Room together. I deiced to have my baby shower early because our family from Arizona was going to be in Utah so i thought it was the prefect time. We had my Shower on March 30th so i was about 29 weeks so we did it really early. It was a blast!! It was so much fun to have my whole family there!
I remember the night before I had Aiden. I started having braxton hicks around 8pm the night of April 16th. They were really uncomfortable but nothing bad. they came every couple hours. I remember I asked for a blessing. Brock gave me a blessing around 10pm. In the blessing it said Aiden was okay and that he wasn't ready to come yet and that everything was okay. (not exactly in those words but something like that) So i went stayed up for a little while reading my book. I had a couple more braxton hicks but nothing serious. Then around 5am they started to get bad. they happened way more often. I had Brock give me another blessing because my contractions were way too close for comfort.  I wasn't in too much pain at this point but It was really uncomfortable. In the blessing he said things are going to be okay but he couldn't even finish the blessing without saying "get up lets go we NEED to go to the hospital" he was in panic mood. At this point I was scared. I didn't want to go. I kept saying no i'm not going. I was really scared something was wrong. So all the way to hospital i was in so much pain. my contractions were about 4 min apart. It felt like the longest 10 min to the hospital. We got to the hospital around 7ish. They helped me right away. I got a shot to calm my contractions because I was only barley 32 week's pregnant. I HATED that shot!! I felt like i was gonna go for a run. my heart was racing so fast! I got really hot and so uncomfortable. But it did help with my contractions.  My parents were up with us at the hospital. I thought i'd just sit there for awhile then go home!  Oh no that was not the case at ALL!!!! The nurse needed to check to see how dilated i was. (that hurt worse then any contraction i had up to this point) She was having  a hard time figuring it out so she had the head nurse come in and try to figure it out. I remember her being amazing and just talking me through what she was doing. the 2 nurses were great in helping me. I remember seeing her face when she checked to see how dilated i was in pure worry. She said "hun your dilated to a 8, we need to call your dr right now you are having this baby there is no stopping him he is coming fast" In the moment I felt so scared! I started crying really hard just saying "i can't do this, its not time yet, he is so early" I was so scared he wouldn't make it. I had a million things running through my head at this point. Probably the worst possible things went through my head at this point. I was FREAKING OUT!!!!  I asked the nurse If my dad and Husband could give me a blessing and she said "yes please do, that would be a great Idea" She gave us some privacy and my dad and Brock gave me such a strong blessing! I calmed down instantly. I just knew at this point that this was what needed to happen and that our little baby would be perfect and he would okay! I felt so calm! I was ready! So we got sent back into my room where my dr would meet us and get me all set up. We called our family to tell them the news. It took us like a half hour to get a hold of anyone!! I thought for sure I wasn't gonna be able to get a epidural. But i got really lucky that the dr was right there ready for me. I was scared of the epidural before but i didn't feel a thing and i was really grateful! I got my epidural around 8ish. I remember so many nurses and drs coming in to tell me about having a preemie. They had the NICU nurses all ready for him!  i was told so many things. It kinda all went over my head. I do remember being so calm i was gonna fall asleep I was just calm and relaxed. Everyone kept telling me. "its gonna be okay, it will be a really long road but Aiden will be just fine" I believed every word they said! I just knew he was in good hands! It was about 830 and my dr broke my water and a half hour later Aiden was ready! 

 So I got willed back into my room, hugged my mom and went back! In that moment of hugging my mom I was so happy she was there! It was kinda like a special moment for me. It was like here she taught me so many things in my life and she taught me how to be a great daughter of god and to be a good wife. and now i'm having a baby and I'm finally able to show her how much she has taught me. I was grateful for that moment. I was back in my room and i pushed for a half hour and then Aiden was here!

 Aiden was born at 9:31 am! He was 4 lbs 5oz and 16 inches long! He was prefect! They showed me him for a second then rushed him to the NICU. Brock was able to go back with them and watch him! He had to get so many different tubes and things put on. It was test after test. I started crying once i saw him. He came out screaming! It was the best little noise in the whole world! I went back into my room and started bawling. Not of sadness or worry but of pure joy! I just brought a beautiful baby boy into this world! My epidural wore off really soon and i was able to walk within like a hour after having him. All I wanted to do was hold my baby.  This was a hard rest of the day. I wasn't able to hold him for 12 hours I was only allowed to touch him! Which was so great even though It was really hard. the hardest part about all of this was going back into my room without him :( All our family came up to visit and it brought a lot of comfort to us. Even though it was really hard because no one was able to see Aiden. It was rsv season so only 4 people could be on the list. I am so grateful for my family coming up to see me that day! It helped me in more ways they even know! It was finally time to hold my baby. I was so excited!! They brought a wheelchair in but i wanted to walk down there. they made me sit in it. lol oh well! He was so perfect. I cried the second they set him on me!! It was the greatest moment! I wanted to stay in that moment forever!

 Once every one left for the day and it was night time thats when it all hit me! I AM A MOM!!! It was a long night But around 9pm I was finally able to hold my baby boy!  Luckily the nurses didn't bother me too much because Aiden wasn't in the room with us. I will continue the rest of my story on the next post!